Have you been running away from something or someone? In my previous post, I shared some very personal insights… I wanted to enable others to go deeper into the knowledge of who they really are and help them notice how we sometimes are tricked into believing the “persona” we created.
The “persona” is the image of ourselves we’d like to portray. Funny enough, years ago, a priest told me that he always engaged with people starting from the principle that others will always present themselves as how they want to be, not how they truly are.
It’s quite simple, we want to seduce others and give them a good impression of ourselves. We would not want others to think negatively, we’d prefer they see us in a positive light. Some are good at seeing through this image, some are easily fooled.
So, what I tried doing in my previous post, was to give the most accurate description of who I truly am. To be honest, I hesitated before publishing … why? Well, what crossed my mind was, “what if I never get to meet the right person because they are terrified of who I am?”
Yet I decided to publish anyway because I believe that the “persona,” the image, we give to others is only to seduce. Once the seduction game is over, others get to clearly see who we really are anyway. If there is true love, the right person will stay no matter what!
Hitting that ‘publish’ button was also a decision of self-love. I needed to love myself in all of my wounds and accept to give a part of myself to my readers. I guess it’s also a way for me to really start an honest and honourable healing journey. I did start this journey years ago … but every life event seems to bring me new perspective and new insights that allow deeper healing.
After posting it, I received tons of private messages and felt that it may have helped others. Now you see, my recent post also corresponded with my departure for Greece. Today, as I sat down in beautiful Athens and meditated on the new post I needed to write I strongly felt I was running away from something!
Running From What?
It just dawned on me! While at home, in my new apartment, I had so much inspiration to write, I was surrounded with people and needed to deal with situations that allowed me to go deeper into what I was living.
I wouldn’t say I was depressed, but I was going through a lot at once. Even my former therapist told me how impressed he was with my resilience. In such difficult moments, I somehow find an inner strength that allows me to navigate through troubled waters and find solutions that allow me to live and pay all my bills. I’ll keep some details for other posts.
Now that I’m in Greece, it’s as if I were teleported to a quiet sea. My mind is suddenly freed from all heaviness, I feel “free,” I feel good, I feel “light,” etc., but what am I running from?
It reminded me of a friend who travelled all the time. She and her husband travelled all around the world and were always on the move! I never thought much of it until I visited them and stayed at their place for quite a while. This friend unfortunately suffered from severe anxiety. While travelling, it’s as if she were in a bubble and no longer suffered from it! To say the least, she was a totally different person. I would have never known if it weren’t for sharing their daily life.
So now that I’m in Greece, in my perfect little bubble, what am I running from? I don’t suffer from anxiety anymore, I don’t think I’m depressed, I don’t feel the need to escape from daily stress (I love what I’m doing), etc. But what is it I’m running from?
Running From My Life?
I’m starting to believe it has a lot to do with my previous post. For years, I ran away from my life. I decided to live for others and give everything I had so that I could make others happy. Obviously, doing it in a religious setting, had a lot to do with faith, fear, guilt, and wanting to go to heaven!
Wanting to go to heaven? Yes, because of my background and my deeply rooted wounds from my youth, I feared rejection from God as well. How can God love me? I’m gay, I come from a broken family, I’m so wounded and so undesirable. If I did not “deserve” a stable family in this life, how can I expect something from God? My feeling of shame was unconsciously projected into every aspect of my being and into my spiritual life.
I sought healing and guidance, I cried on my knees so many times, wanting love from God. I feared rejection and hatred more than death itself. This same feeling accompanied me in my daily life, I feared rejection from others and was unconsciously waiting for the day people would stop loving me.
The same thing happened in my workplace. If I felt loved and wanted, I’d excel in my work and commitments. As soon, as I felt unwanted, I’d lack motivation, fear rejection and would end up leaving and/or finding something else.
Running Away From My Goals?
Well, it may sound crazy for you to read this, but I think I’m running away from rejection! When I left the priesthood, I decided to cut all contacts with my former parishioners. My excuse was perfect! I did not want to scandalize anybody! Leaving the priesthood can offend many. But in reality, what I feared the most, was for them to tell me they did not want me in their life anymore.
Same goes for all of my relationships. May it be an ex, or a person I’m seeing… I overwhelmingly fear rejection. I do not focus on the possible positive outcome, but on the fear of the negative.
It’s the same for my writing… I sometimes need to force myself to publish… I’m afraid of the rejection of my readers, of losing one subscriber, of receiving one negative comment, etc. And as I’m working on a book, I’m afraid publishers will refuse to publish my work.
Every week, I fight against the idea of deleting everything and abandoning my blog. I try not to focus on the number of subscribers and keep posting because I somehow know it is greater than me. I somehow know that if I stop, I will not find peace. I try to remember what Mark Twain once said, “I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
So yes, I’m realizing that I’m still running away from something. It’s called the fear of rejection. This fear keeps me moving, keeps me searching, keeps me from settling… But I think this blog is a first step into finding my true “home”, a place where I feel secure, a place where I can be me … a place where I know I mean something and help others feel the same.
When Do I Stop Running?
I got my desire for love and acceptance tattooed and inked into my skin. I tattooed the creation of God and the hand of God as a symbol of being loved and accepted. I could tell you more in another post about all my tattoos, but I want to focus on my last tattoo which is a feather, the ones that were used to write.
Why this last tattoo? It was added to a semicolon… The semicolon is used instead of the final dot in sentences where you can end the sentence, but decide to continue otherwise. For this same reason, it’s been used as a symbol of suicide prevention and as an affirmation of solidarity for a plethora of mental health issues.
In my tattoo, the feather writes the semicolon, because it would have been so much easier for me to end my life in moments when I believed it was the only solution. I felt everybody’s love, including God’s, was conditional to my being “normal.” Instead, I decided to claim my power back and be myself. This came with the desire to write about my journey.
Write what? Write my struggles, my challenges, my soul’s journey, etc., because I know I am not the only one out there feeling the same! So please, help in this journey … send my posts to friends and loved ones … you never know whom it might help!