If you’ve been following my blog, you know I’ve been travelling and you’ve probably been expecting another post on meditation and its various forms. It’s coming; working on something to make it even more meaningful. Will soon get back to that topic. If you’re new, you might want to read some of my previous posts.
I’ve had a difficult past week and thought I might share on another topic instead. Since the beginning of my travels, many have written to me wishing me happy holidays. I did not want to answer too clearly since I did not really know where all this would lead me, but I was actually working.
Fact is, I needed to move out of where I was living for various reasons and did not know where I’d settle next. Having lived in Rome for ten years, I thought it might be an option to go back. I’ve decided to go to various spots to see where I’d feel more at home.
Travelling for a Living!
Obviously, I was able to travel and work from just about anywhere because I had the opportunity to get some contracts and needed to travel for those as well. These allowed me to work from anywhere… I’ve somehow become a nomad worker.
It’s been quite a journey, to say the least. Many things have led me to this point in my life and to being able to travel for work. Looking back and focusing on the present, I can truly say that I am blessed. I was telling a friend the other day how I’ve always felt God’s providence in my life. I’ve never been without resources that allowed me to live and manage my way out of difficult moments or situations.
Why? I think it is because I blindly trust. I don’t focus or fear the lack of money or not being able to face the end of the month… I choose to trust. I try to make the most of my talents, help others, be generous with my personal resources and in the end, I always feel blessed.
That being said, I also have my moments of sadness and of fear. As I was preparing for my trip back to Canada, I started feeling very nostalgic and sad. Why am I feeling this way? I needed to face these feelings and address them.
Part of me misses Canada, part of me loves Italy … part of me would love to stay, yet I do want to come back home. But where is home? Such mixed feelings! Let’s just say it’s been a difficult last week in Italy.
Travelling and Becoming Homeless
I was blessed to be able to grow up in Canada and then live ten years in Italy. It’s been such enrichment and it has enabled me to live so many fruitful experiences and incredible encounters. The downside of it all is always being stuck between two loves. I miss Italy when in Canada and I miss Canada when in Italy. I’m Italian for the Canadians and Canadian for Italians.
I don’t want to sound overdramatic in saying all of this, because I truly believe these experiences have allowed me to be who I am and to become more and more authentic and genuinely me.
I can say the same for this trip to Italy. It’s been good to return to my family roots and to the places where I’ve lived for so long. It’s always like coming back home … but now I need to face the same question again: where is home?
What makes it worse is that I need to come back to Canada and I don’t have a place I can call mine. I will be settling at friends’ houses trying to figure out what I will do next.
Travelling: What Am I Searching For?
This leads me back to questioning the reasons for which I first wanted to go to Italy. What am I running from? Why do I never truly feel at home? Why do I feel tied down when I have a place of my own? What am I looking for?
Those who know me, know that I am a free spirit. I choke when I feel tied up, I need my space, my freedom, my prayer life, etc. But am I being selfish? Am I unable to commit? Am I unstable?
Yet, the same things that make me struggle in regard to my freedom are the same elements I long for in my daily life. I want a place of my own, I want to be loved, I want to feel at home! I’m such a complicated and contradictory being! But I’ve learned to love even this side of me.
Why? Because I think this aspect of myself also needs loving and caring! It’s obvious that some of my behaviours are also conditioned by my past wounds. But I also know that all of these wounds contribute to the making of the creative Nick that I am … that same Nick that people love reading and listening to.
Travelling Back Home!!!
I didn’t mean to be so dramatically intense in this post … but that’s what comes out of my beautiful and f**** up mind as I’m at the airport waiting for my delayed flight.
As I was writing all this while feeling homeless and fearing my arrival in Canada, I also realize that even in the craziest settings, in the stripping of all goods, etc., there is actually a place you can call home… It’s right where you will discover peace, where you find the only true and everlasting happiness, where you’ll find God … in your heart.
So here we are! I’m travelling back home … to a place I can call mine … to a place where I will continue to nourish and heal … to a place I will furnish with love and peace and where I’ll grow a garden of hope and faith.
Once again, life has taught me one of the biggest lessons. It was all worth it! I went from having it all, to losing it all! I went from having all the luxuries to now being a guest at friends’ houses … but if I needed to go back in time, I’d do it again.
Do you know why? Because I did not appreciate what I had. I did not feel any gratefulness… I always needed more. Now that I need to cultivate my heart space and my intimacy with God and myself, I can further appreciate what will come my way.
I don’t know when I’ll have a place of my own nor what it will look like! What I do know is the value of simple things, I now understand the importance of gratefulness and the need to live in simplicity. I now can appreciate all the little things in life that we usually take for granted because as of now they all come as gifts in an empty space that needs to be rebuilt.
So yeah… I’ll keep you guys posted in my next articles… Make sure to subscribe to my blog and share it with friends. I’m trying to share the life lessons I learn along the way from my personal experience.