Dating myself is not always easy! If you’ve been following my blog, you must know a bit more about me by now. Since my first posts, I’ve been trying to bring examples, more than teachings, to help others grow in love, self-love, spiritual life and hope. With all the messages of encouragement and gratitude I’ve received, I sometimes feel as if I’m only showing you one side of me … the side that has grown … what if I told you I’m still growing and still fail at so many of my teachings? (If you are new here, read some of my previous posts.)
Well, here we are… I failed! I failed yesterday attempting to date myself. This past week, many things happened. I did not mention them in my last posts because I did not want to expose anybody. I mean, these people could have easily recognized themselves and my goal is never to judge, hurt or bash at anybody.
However, these two events reopened a huge wound in me! Let’s just say, for better understanding that the first event was an unexpected encounter and, the second was a chat with a therapist in which we dug far into my past wounds and abuse.
Dating Yourself Is a Learning Process
Let’s just say that lately I was succeeding in dating myself and could find enjoyment in the alone time while making the best of this feeling of loneliness that I’m experiencing. It’s as if my loneliness was becoming more and more a place of solitude in which we grow and experience love as a greater being: God!
I provoked the loneliness. I put everything I had in storage and flew to Italy where I decided not to contact friends or relatives and simply try to make sense of my journey. I felt I needed this… I needed time to figure things out … to finally love myself?
Yet, starting yesterday, which was Saturday, I started feeling down… An old feeling of being disgusting and undesirable started to rise back to the surface. All day I tried fighting it! However, it simply became stronger.
Here in southern Italy, Saturday evenings start late and are a “happening.” People go for supper then walk downtown as they enjoy gelato or digestivo. Kids play everywhere while couples, friends and family walk and talk just a bit everywhere around town.
For the first time since I’ve been here in Termoli, I did not feel like going out for supper which is usually my Saturday night treat. I stayed home! Later, around 10:45 p.m., I decided to get moving and try to go out because I felt as if I was making things worst by giving in to this feeling of disgust. By the way, 10:45 p.m. is the beginning of the evening here!
Dating Is Not Always a Success
So little do you know, I was already showered, I put on some Italian pants, my Honduran summer shirt, decided to stick to the sandals and applied some of my best perfume. Yes, those who know me, know I’m a real Italian when it comes to fashion and perfume (not cologne)… I mean the expensive ones… I’m bad for that.
I was suddenly reminded of some of the first colognes that were given to me by a cousin of mine. He had all these colognes that smelled delightful and simply knew how to make me happy. For me, cologne was a greater gift than a PlayStation. I guess nostalgia jumped in at that point!
So now that I was all dressed up, perfumed up (let’s make this an expression) and ready to go, I headed out the door. It hit me like a train! I was all by myself while everybody was enjoying life in tribes. I was here, one against all … no one to say hello to, no one to talk to … simply me, myself and I.
I did not stay long! I went and walked a little. Tried convincing myself to grab a digestivo because I’ve been avoiding gelato, but could not get myself to do it. I was looking at the tables of people gathered together and felt like a loser. I couldn’t picture myself sitting down on my own having a drink, facing the gaze of others. What would they think? What would they say?
Dating Yourself Is Also Learning to Accept and Love Yourself!
So, I ran back home. I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t feeling good at all and after seeing a Facebook post from Patrick, a Facebook friend, I decided to watch a full two-hour documentary on Fr. James Martin, Building a Bridge. I truly suggest you watch it! Amazing… But that did certainly not help my yesterday’s mood.
As I awoke this morning, Sunday, I was still feeling down. I just couldn’t put a finger on it! What is going on? Why is this overwhelming feeling of being undesirable hitting so hard? I needed to meditate … sit with God and figure this one out.
What came out of it? I felt judged … unworthy of love and… lost. Isn’t that crazy?
So here we go again… I was letting thoughts of other people’s opinions of me take over my happiness and interior freedom. I was letting myself become a prisoner of other people’s concepts and fears. I thought this was over! I thought I was fine! Well, I guess there will always be these moments of pain in which you hear these voices telling you how unworthy you are.
Don’t let them win. Don’t let them take over. What other people can criticize about your decisions, actions and choices is never accurate. Do you know why? Because if the first thing they do is judge without even trying to understand what happened, they are unworthy of your time and love as well. If someone simply judges without even listening, that person is not truly caring for you, that person only cares about himself and appearances.
When Dating Fails, Try Again, Try Harder.
So you know what? Tonight, I will not let this feeling win over me. I will grab my nicest clothes and apply that fancy perfume like there is no tomorrow and I will tackle these streets like a bad b****!
Because no wounds, no past events, no selfish love will dominate my life! I will make the best of these experiences and continue to grow and write about the good and the bad I’m capable of, I will make the best of it all.
So yeah! Simple reminder before you judge yourself or others! Remember that these words have endless repercussions. Learn to love instead … much harder, but much more evangelical.
Subscribe to my blog… I’ll keep you posted about tonight! LOL. And will continue some of my other topics.